If you could have a conversation with your pet.

Human: So uh, you guys can talk now?

Cat: I guess.

Dog: Whoa where's the enthusiasm, Cat? This kind of thing doesn't happen every day! Yeah we can talk, Human! Fluent as hell too! I dunno how or why, but I can talk now! Awesome right? Listen man, I got a great idea for what we can-

Cat: Ugh… Shut up Dog.

Dog: Hey fuck you, Cat! Fuck you! I swear to god Human, can you believe this guy? Every time I- Hey bro, is that a rotisserie chicken I'm seeing on the counter over there?

Human: Oh uh yeah, that's for tonight, I'm-

Dog: Listen man, mind if I get a bite? Just a bite bro. A quick nibble. That's it I swear. I'm just so hungry you know? So famished. Been doing dog things all day, I could really use something to take the edge off the ol appetite, you know?

Human: Sorry man I'm saving that for tonight, maybe later though. So uh guys, what's something you've always wanted to tell me but couldn't?

Cat: How little you mean to me.

Dog: WHOA SHUT THE FUCK UP CAT! Jesus! Uncalled for! Human is awesome! Hey Human, don't listen to him bro, you're awesome. The cat's a bitch. You're a great guy. The best. The best guy around, you hear me?

Human: Yeah thanks dude, I really appreciate that. That really cuts deep, Cat. I always thought we had a mutual respect kind of thing going…

Cat: Nah.

Dog: Fuck the cat dude. The cats a cunt. Seriously. You know she hissed at me once? Like completely unprovoked. I was just doing my thin-

Cat: You were chewing on my tail, asshole.

Dog: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU EAVESDROPPING SNAKE IN THE GRASS! FUCK! I'm having a conversation with Human over here! Mind your own business! Jesus. Cats, amirite?… So anyways, I was just doing my own thing, and BAM! Out of nowhere she just lost it. Batted at my nose and everything. Fucking psychopath… So anyways, about that rotisserie chicken…

Human: Haha yeah all right, I guess you can have a piece. Here you go buddy.

Dog: Wow thanks man. You're great. Just awesome. Can I get another piece? Nah that's rude of me. Forget I asked. So anyways, remember how you asked about one thing we've always wanted to tell you?

Human: Yeah, you have something in mind?

Dog: Yeah. I've always wanted to tell you how much I love rotisserie chicken. Mind if I have another piece?

Human: Oh uh… Yeah I guess… But this is the last one.

Dog: Ah perfect. Thanks pal. Such a generous guy you are. I really appreciate it. So there's one more thing I've always wanted to tell you.

Human: You want more rotisserie chicken?

Dog: No. I want you to stop putting peanut butter on your cock you sick perverted asshole.

This is from /u/Sweet_Fetal_Jesus at http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/23k6f3/if_you_could_have_a_conversation_with_your_pet/cgxu9rm